RIPPLES of ANGER

"Life is a Capricious Business"

                                                                                                   Stephen King

 

Brazil with the Brazil 175 Ultra-Marathon Studs David and Kevin

And so it continues…… This past year brings up thoughts of Einstein’s ideas involving space and time.  I think about the past eight months and all that has taken place. When the year began, I was looking at a calendar that was chock-full of adventures, work demands, vacations, and various other activities.  I couldn’t fathom how we’d squeeze it all in.  As I anticipated and then enjoyed each and every moment, time seemed unhurried but now that I’m on the backside of an amazing seven months, it seems like it all took place in the blink of an eye! Much like it does when I look back at my 51 years in its totality.  The following are snippets and photo ops of some of these events. 

Crossing Finish Line 3 Days later

Adrenalin!

   Brazil -As I indicated in my previous blog, I traveled to Brazil for the better part of two weeks to see what I was made of and to figure out why someone would run for 175 miles over three straight days with little sleep through the jungles of Brazil.  During the race, I had the responsibility of crewing for these guys ensuring they had adequate food, water, clothing, and blister popping required to overcome the sweltering conditions of the Brazil Jungle (high 90’s and humid, humid, humid). Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds as there aren’t 7-Eleven‘s on every corner nor does GPS work most of the time.   I also had the privilege of running the last 13 miles with these men up Mount Luminosa (26% grades) and saw them cross the finish line in 25^th and 26^th. Truly inspirational! After spending time with these special athletes, who travel from all parts of the globe, I was left with nothing but respect and admiration.  They all seem to have a back story and struggle with same things you and I do.  The difference is, however, they use their thirst for running as if it were a potion that magically fixes or at least staves off what ails them.  In other words, they use what’s right with them to fix what’s wrong with them. And so they run! There is some enduring lesson to be learned there.... I think?
 

Mount Luminosa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       Work continues to go well from an overall corporate and personal performance standpoint. It’s a bit of a personal struggle when it comes to travel, focus and, to some degree, drive. I can no longer type very well and things seem to take longer and longer. I’m utilizing Dragon for dictation and that seems to be helping out but overall skills are a bit degraded.

    ALS walk -I had the privilege of traveling to Jacksonville Florida to participate in an ALS walk w/ K9s For Warriors and my stepmother Joanne. K9s is a terrific organization that works with our wounded warriors “dedicated to providing service canines to warriors suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disability, traumatic brain injury and/or military sexual trauma as a result of military service post 9/11. The goal is to empower them to return to civilian life with dignity and independence”. My brother Matt, who served in the Navy for 20 years, and his wife who also served both currently work there and are doing incredible work! http://www.k9sforwarriors.org/

 

The Prudential

• Staci’s 50^th - North End Boston. Well wouldn’t you know it… Staci turned 50! It happens to the best of us and in celebration of the gift of age; I booked a bed-and-breakfast in the north end of Boston. Sebastian and Kelly Grasso joined us and as you can well imagine, food and booze were on the docket!



Revolution Game!  Gift From Megan! 

Ryan wrapped up his sophomore year and is now enjoying the summer off. He’s driving, working and enjoying time with his buddies. The beach and rope swings seem to be the favorite activities.

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•       Megan finished up her junior year at Bentley with flying colors. She is very active in school and sorority life. Somewhere along the line, she decided to turn 21 which officially stamps me as being old.  We took her into Boston for the celebration and forced her to order her first legal drink. It shouldn’t surprise anybody that she was moving a little slow from the previous night celebrations!

 

• My nephew Scott graduated from St. Michael’s in Vermont. Family from all over the country traveled in to witness this miracle! Great young man who is now ready to conquer the world.

 

Timberdoodle -Sometimes it’s the simple things that make us the happiest. My buddy Jim is a member of a hunting and fishing club located in the hills of Temple New Hampshire. Timberdoodle is a private club with acres of hunting fields and fishing ponds strewn throughout. Jim, Mel and I spent the weekend down there and caught fish galore. We cooked up some rainbow along with some filet mignon’s that ranked up there with best I’ve ever enjoyed.  Following the feast, we retired to a roaring bonfire, scotch and a couple of stogies. The best part was a major storm was rolling in but we had prepared by putting up a canopy that allowed us to sit by the fire despite the rain. When we retired to a one room cabin (basically a screened porch), we could hear the rain pinging off  the tin roof and one can imagine what heaven must have in store for us.

      4th at Grasso’s…. Sebastian and Kelly Grasso throw the best parties bar none! So anytime you head over there you know that you’re in store for a good time. The mix of people, plethora of food, spirits, pool and various other activities always seem to be just the right combination. This past Fourth of July was no exception! My good buddies Rich and Roy drove up for the festivities! 

  

  

In April of 2014, Staci and I sent out an email asking if anybody would be interested in taking a Rhine River cruise with us. Within a day, much to our surprise, we had 10 couples interested which led to 8 couples locked and loaded within two weeks of the original email being sent out. Mind you, this trip was no small commitment. So in early June of this year, 16 adventurers flew to Amsterdam to hook up with the S. S. Antoinette. We arrived three days early to acclimate and to get to know one another. Over the course of the next week and a half we traveled through the Netherlands, Germany, and France ultimately ended up in Switzerland. This group not only took over the ship but set many consumptions and behavioral standards that the ship’s crew and passengers will not soon forget. From Amsterdam canals, red light district, castles, beer gardens, cafés of all sorts (wink wink), bike trails, spas, vineyards, restaurants, wine tasting, dancing, pools, movies, museums (van Gogh), and other activities too numerous to mention, we did it all and have the scars and brain cell deficits to prove it! I think we will share a special bond for the rest of our lives.

 


 

• Our standard vacation for the past 10 years or so has been a week on Lake Winnipesaukee New Hampshire. This year was no exception to that tradition. It is a week of relaxing and enjoying the sounds of Lakeside living. The haunting calls of the loon, hoots and hollers of kids tubing, or the late-night sound of a crackling roaring fire all conspire to unplug you from the day-to-day demands of life. Friends and family come and go throughout the week which makes it all the more special.  Doug and his wife Liz, my friend since kindergarten, came up from Jersey with two of their kids along with one stray kid.  Julie, a friend since grade school, came over from Maine for the day.  I love these anchor moments.  
  

 

 

 

       One year anniversary of my dad’s passing came while we were at Winni.  This topic is especially difficult for me to come to terms with because it reminds me of my own mortality. I miss him and wish I had more time with him to discuss many of the things that went unsaid. You know what they say about absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is true in my case and, from time to time, think of him and the times we had together.

        State of My State - In July I had my one year appointment at Dartmouth Medical Center. As I’ve stated before, the deterioration in my left arm continues and the disease is advancing to my right arm and left leg. I’m dictating this blog because I can no longer type. I get tired a lot easier but am trying to stay active and continue with my long walks. It’s limiting the activities that I love so much such as skiing, wake boarding, golfing, and yard work. I remain positive but as you can well imagine there are days that are just not good.

On the psychological front, one of the things I struggle with is that of time perspective. I want to plan for the future but feel myself trapped in the present. I had dreams of advancement at work but no longer put much effort into those pursuits. Perception is reality; I often feel like the line from a movie that tells the story of a death row inmate. In the movie, when he leaves his cell for the execution chamber, the guard can be heard saying, “Dead Man Walking”. People just look and treat you differently when they hear of your diagnosis. At work, I feel like I am no longer really in the game.   I always thought of purchasing a second home or where I might retire but struggle with the fact that it’s probably not in the cards. I try to stay engaged but it is difficult to move beyond thinking in six-month chunks of time. Where will my body be in January of next year? Will I be able to drive and continue to work? The doctor told me that it appears that I have a slower progressing form of ALS but what does that mean? When will it impact my walking, eating, breathing, or speaking? I know I have to live in the moment but, goddammit, I feel like I’m sliding into irrelevance. I’m angry that the future is not there in my mind.  I am cognizant of the fact that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow but I want the uncertainty of the future back because it is the uncertainty of one’s life expectancy that leads to optimism of a future of retirement and old age. I feel angry that a significant portion of my uncertainty of a long life has been stolen. I want and need to believe that I have another 30 years because that is the fuel that stokes the fires of drive today.

Now, I know that I’ve previously written about the need to live in the moment and the beauty of the mundane. It is still true and I’ve experienced some terrific mundaneness. I draw strength from these moments as anchors against the tide but as time passes and body erodes, I sometimes feel the anchor giving way. I want things and relationships in my life to be perfect now! Unfortunately, that is not how life or people work and I get angry and lash out. Not often but it happens. I long for the normalcy but I’m afraid it is gone forever. Now that’s a rant! I promised, in previous blogs, that I would be raw and try to express my true feelings. Well there you have it. It is small part of what goes on but it is there, always simmering below the surface.

 I am reading a book that my sister-in-law Kim gave me entitled Consolations, “The solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words”. In the book there happens to be a chapter on the word anger.  “Anger is the deepest form of compassion, for another, for the world, for the self, for a life, for the body, for a family and for all ideals, all vulnerable and all, possibly about to be hurt”. My anger breaks the surface because I become overwhelmed with the feeling of powerlessness and vulnerability. I want to fix this thing and know that I can’t. I want to know that I’ll be there for my family but probably won’t. I want my relationships to be perfect today but know that is not how life works. I want to feel normal but can’t. I want to talk about things with those I love but often cannot find the right vehicle in which to do so or maybe, it’s just that I am not properly equipped. The bottom line is these emotions are so raw and because I love life and those in my life so much my love sometimes grows angry.

The reality is that I am doing as well as can be expected. Can’t change what is unchangeable. My rant was just me getting in touch with my own feelings which, up to recent times, were unused muscles that had atrophied.  :-)  I am told, by my therapist, that you can’t bottle up your emotions so I am emoting just a bit. I am sensitive...Hear me roar!